Setting boundaries can be challenging, for some people more than others. I’m a people pleaser; I want my family, friends, customers, (crikey even random people I’ve only just met) to be happy which means there’s a very real danger of me over stretching myself and my emotional commitment to an activity. Having worked with fantastic professionals such as Nicky, our CBT therapist, I’ve come to realise that It’s essential to recognise and understand what your limits are in terms of what you are willing/capable of offering to someone or something. It’s also important to note any expectations on how you want to be treated!
Being a people pleaser is a strategy which has probably been highly effective in the past and which has helped ensure survival. We all want others to be pleased with us on some level as it builds connection, but it’s important to notice if we people please above and beyond our own needs. This can result in what I call snowballing. Being overly nice/accessible/helpful can roll into being taken for granted. This eventually becomes irritating, which grows into annoyance, and before we know it we’re embroiled in an emotional maelstrom of anger, resentment and sleepless nights all because we didn’t make it clear what our expectations and limits are. Sound familiar? Thank goodness for boundary setting!
Boundaries are choices that you set for yourself. This can be in your job or in your personal life (I think they are often interconnected, especially in the arts where our work is an integral part of our character.) They might be centred around your time, your physical space or your mental and emotional needs.
When you’re self-employed, boundaries are essential. A good, and I suspect common, example of the need for boundaries is protecting your work time and space when you operate from home. At some point you’ll probably have to manage that well-meaning friend or relative who thinks they can just pop round for a brew because you are in. If you don’t communicate clearly that this is your work time, it’s very likely that this will continue, resulting in the snowball of stress and possibly even resentment towards someone you love.
Some of the things I have trained myself to ask/think about (I say train because this has not come naturally to me, it takes practice) include:
- My invoices contain clear instructions on how and when to pay. If someone doesn’t adhere to this, I seriously consider whether it’s worth working with them in the future. Obviously, life happens and I make allowances for this, but there is no excuse for repeat late payment, it just suggests they are either not running their business very well or they have zero respect for what you need out of the relationship.
- If you are busy say no, if you don’t want to be any busier say no. It is your time and energy and you are your own boss, you have few people to answer to other than yourself so be clear on what you are willing to give.
- If someone crosses a line with you, and your boundaries have been clearly outlined, highlight the issue in a neutral way. Nicky always recommends ‘I’ statements for this. Saying something like ‘I feel irritated when your payments are late because it effects my family life and makes paying for household necessities difficult’ gets your point across without adopting a blame culture or without sounding threatening.
- Be clear on how you want to approach collaborative work and ideas. Protect your brand and intellectual property by settings boundaries that you both understand and can adopt. Make sure your contribution and ideas are valued.
- If you hate doing commissions, don’t do them! I like to point people who ask in the direction of another artist/professional I think would do a great job for them.
- If you say yes to something, you are ultimately saying no to something else. There are only so many hours in the day. What’s your priority, what will bring you most joy?
Setting boundaries is not being mean, awkward, or difficult to work with. It does not make you a bad or disagreeable person. It makes space to be the person you want to be and to do the things you want to do. Everything you need to say can be said in a calm, clear and non-confrontational manner. If someone takes offence to your boundaries, then it’s probably a good indication of what that relationship would be like and you might be better off without them.